Make My Heart Attack

Sometimes I wonder why people are the way they are.  Sometimes I wonder why I'm the way I am, and most of the time I remember why, and it hurts.  I just remembered something that happend to me as a kid, and it was such a shock that I chose to throw that in the back of my mind.  It wasn't until I started wondering why I do certain things that I remembered it.

And now I want to forget it. 

Christ.

I've been lying to myself about how I feel about certain people/things.  If I really didn't like you before, that may have changed, but you missed out becuase then it changed again.  I don't know.  My perceptions of people have been altered, and staying out of the loop for a while has made me realize what people really are.  Most people are stupid, not just because I think they're stupid, no, there's logical reasoning behind it.  Every action you make, I've most likey accounted into what I think of you.  Even things you don't do, I've accounted that.  Hey, don't get me wrong, if I'm still talking to you willingly, you're A-Ok with me.  The rest of you...are in the green.

But why should you care?  Why should you care so much about what people think of you?  Don't you know there are at least ten other people you don't know about that think the same thing as that person who may not like you?  I guess I kind of take comfort in thinking that somewhere out there is a person who's looking for someone like me, and I'm looking for them.  We just don't know it yet.  I love how people are oblivious to their surroundings sometimes.  I'll admit I don't know what people think about me, but I'm not obsessed with finding out what they think.  Why?  Because I know for every person who doesn't like me, there's a person who does.  So it all evens out in the end.  But the best is when people refuse to believe what others tell them, or remain blissfully unaware of just how much people hate them.  I'm sure there's a group of people who flat out don't like me, but that's cool, I probably don't like them either.  My mom always used to say, "if someone's mean to you, you don't have to be their friend" but friendship means shit now.  So what if I'm not your friend?  There's other people who would be.  So what if I don't like you? So what if I think you're stupid?  Should I factor your whole entire life?

No. 

People need to realize that half the people they know now will never be seen again.  I recently ran into this kid who moved way back in 6th grade, and it was amazing to see how much people have changed.  Is it nice to keep in touch?  Sure it is.  But did you ever think that someone may not want to remember you?  Maybe they want to lock you away into the recesses of their mind, write a blank chapter in my life story.  Maybe they don't want to remember the stupid mistakes they made, or you made.  God damn.

I want to forget you.

I want to forget all of this ever happend.

I want to forget that I tried so hard to pull some lifeless corpse out of the dumpster and give it life again.  I just don't want to remember the faults I've made, the things I've never said but should have, the people who I can't stand to remember I associated with them.  Just go away.  All of them.

So the morale of the story is:
"Never stand to close to old men in CVS, sometimes they get grabby"

love chris.

X's and O's Mean Just That

My nose is fricking huge isn't it?  God that's why I hate portfolio shots, my nose is so fricking big that it makes me look bad.  I mean' I wouldn't get plastic surgery to fix it, but I just hope it isn't a turn off to some people.  If it makes those who don't find it attractive feel better, I have the best sense of smell out of my whole family, who also have noses as big as mine.

The hunt for a girlfriend still continues.  I have no clue as to who I'm even looking at, and I figure I need to try a little bit harder if I'm going to meet someone.  Hell, no one is going to come up and knock on my door and say, "Hey, I saw you walking home from school one day and I thought you were hot, wanna go grab something to eat?"  I'll be damned when that happens.  Damned and extremely happy.

This week had its ups and downs.  Those fucking people who sit in the courtyard during lunch are annoying as hell, and sometimes I want to shove my milk carton down their throats and watch them sufficate.  Other times I just want to yell at them and tell them to shut the fuck up and learn to speak proper english.  God, they're retarted.
On Tuesday we won our meet against Perth Amboy, and I was very hapy about that.  I ran my best time this season and for the first time in two years, I was in the paper.  Also, I am no longer failing history AP, which is probably the best news I have so far.  All my other classes are bull, especially English, which offers no sort of challenge for me, and is more of an annoyance than stupid.
Today me, Barry, and Kunal recorded our "Arthur Miller-ized" version of Death Cab for Cutie's "Lack of Color".  Don't ask about it.

You know, maybe there is someone I've been looking at, I've just never considered them before.  This should be a good week.